The lingering dark cloud.
Since becoming a mum almost 10 years ago, I have been learning and growing not only as a parent but as a person.
There have been times where I have been in a very dark and confused place, unable to process my emotions and feeling so stuck and sad that I have been unable to function effectively. Especially after having my babies, when I am in the post-natal bubble, tired, hormonal and my coping mechanisms are weak or sometimes, not even there.
My body shows me the dark cloud of anxiety and depression is here, even before my brain has the time to realise. I feel physically exhausted, I feel sick, I do not sleep. I feel weak. My heart flutters, sometimes I feel like I may pass out. And then the moods arrive. I feel alone, unloved, unwanted. Mad, angry and self-conscious about the person I present to be to others and self-conscious about the mum, wife, aunty, sister and friend that I feel I am.
It has taken a very long time, a lot of self-growth, acceptance, lessons, sessions, holistic approaches and more western approaches to get where I am today. I do not believe I will ever stop learning and growing and working through my issues as a person. There will be times the dark cloud comes knocking at my door, but I am okay with that.
I am okay with that because I am more aware now. I am aware of why the cloud comes and I am aware that when it does, it will eventually go.
I am aware that every time it does come, I get stronger and learn more ways to cope.
I am aware that I have to work through certain things from the past and let them go as they do not define me anymore.
I am aware that these feelings I get of helplessness, insecurity, belittlement and uncertainty are just feelings of my past that I have worked hard on eradicating from my current self as that is not who I am or who I am meant to be.
I am also aware that even when I am so far gone that all I can see in this world is darkness, I am not alone. Having this lingering dark cloud gives me knowledge and experience, it gives me a strong sense of empathy to others who may be experiencing similar things in their life. It gives me the power to be able to serve and help others. It shines true light on who I am meant to be. My purpose.
On your dark days, when the cloud has arrived, try and remember the sun will come out. It may not arrive on it’s own, you may need to look for it but keep searching, keep working hard until you find the light xxx
If you or someone you know is going through a dark time, please reach out for support. To a friend, family or professional.
Beyond Blue Support Service 1300 224 636